Dick, the computer guy

So, Gordon just bought a new computer. It was having some hardware issues, and needed a tech to come out and fix it. One day a guy named Dick shows up at the door.

He and Gordon had a nice chat.

Dick: (gets put on hold while calling Dell to order a new motherboard)
Dick: (seeing rice crackers on table) Don't those taste like sandpaper?
Gordon: I think they're pretty good.
Dick: Well, for me, Rice Krispies are like sandpaper.
Dick: (still looking at the rice crackers) Do you know who invented these?
Gordon: (not sure if he's supposed to laugh or actually answer)
Dick: (apparently Gordon wasn't supposed to do either) Maybe the Chinese.
Dick: Do you know who invented pasta?
Dick: You'd think pasta itali-ano (in imitation of an Italian accent while gesturing in imitation of an Italian gesture) that it'd be from Italy, but actually, it's Chinese.
Dick: But I guess the Italians invented ketchup.
Dick: And do you know who invented the hamburger?
Dick: Germans. From Ham-Burg. Hamburger.
Dick: You'd think the hamburger was American, burger and fries and all.
Dick: But French Fries, those are American.
Dick: They actually eat more calories in Europe than we do here.
Dick: And yet we're the fat ones.
Dick: (points to himself indicating that he's a prime example of a fat American)
Dick: I'm fat, but if you looked at my diet you'd never guess it.
Dick: It's because I have diabetes.
Dick: What is diabetes?
Gordon: (caught off guard that Dick actually pauses as if waiting for an answer) Oh, uh... well...
Dick: (cutting in, not actually waiting for an answer) It's when your body can't control its sugar.
Dick: And if it gets too much sugar because it can't control it, it's got to go somewhere.
Dick: (again indicates his substantial girth)
Dick: I wasn't this big before I got diabetes. So question is, am I diabetic because I'm fat, or am I fat because I'm diabetic?
Dick: I asked my doctor that once, and he said I had a good point.
Dick: Well?
Dick: Sort of a chicken and the egg sort of thing.
Dick: Except, if you ask me which came first, I guess I'd have to say the egg.
Dick: I thought for a second that the wooden block sticking out from that painting was a thermostat.
Dick: You'd think in a place like this they'd go with a single split.
Dick: (actually pauses)
Gordon: What? (immediately worrying that inviting an explanation might not have been such a good idea)
Dick: A single split. Heat pump and air conditioner all in one unit. Why would you have the AC and the heater separate?
Dick: And whose idea was it to put the thermostat right above the heater?
Dick: The installation instructions probably said to make sure to install on the wall on the opposite side of the room.
Dick: Probably another failure to "RTFM."
Dick: Do you know what that stands for?
Dick: (luckily not waiting for an answer)
Dick: Read. The. Freaking. Manual.
Dick: Or there's another word I could use, but not in polite company.

I had to talk to Dick on the phone several times to set up the appointment, and I was glad I didn't have to be there when he came. But I was also glad Gordon was there, so I could hear about this hilarious conversation. Way to take one for the team, Gordon.