Sunday, June 26, 2011

On My 39th Birthday...

Theo: Dad, can I see your bum?
Chris: No.
Theo: Why not?
Chris: Does Mom let you see her bum?
Theo: Mom's don't have bums.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011


I know, I know, I already posted one of these...but these letters that Chris gets from his 'hotel families' really crack me up. And wonder if I should be calling him "Your Excellency"?

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Dick, the computer guy

So, Gordon just bought a new computer. It was having some hardware issues, and needed a tech to come out and fix it. One day a guy named Dick shows up at the door.

He and Gordon had a nice chat.

Dick: (gets put on hold while calling Dell to order a new motherboard)
Dick: (seeing rice crackers on table) Don't those taste like sandpaper?
Gordon: I think they're pretty good.
Dick: Well, for me, Rice Krispies are like sandpaper.
Dick: (still looking at the rice crackers) Do you know who invented these?
Gordon: (not sure if he's supposed to laugh or actually answer)
Dick: (apparently Gordon wasn't supposed to do either) Maybe the Chinese.
Dick: Do you know who invented pasta?
Dick: You'd think pasta itali-ano (in imitation of an Italian accent while gesturing in imitation of an Italian gesture) that it'd be from Italy, but actually, it's Chinese.
Dick: But I guess the Italians invented ketchup.
Dick: And do you know who invented the hamburger?
Dick: Germans. From Ham-Burg. Hamburger.
Dick: You'd think the hamburger was American, burger and fries and all.
Dick: But French Fries, those are American.
Dick: They actually eat more calories in Europe than we do here.
Dick: And yet we're the fat ones.
Dick: (points to himself indicating that he's a prime example of a fat American)
Dick: I'm fat, but if you looked at my diet you'd never guess it.
Dick: It's because I have diabetes.
Dick: What is diabetes?
Gordon: (caught off guard that Dick actually pauses as if waiting for an answer) Oh, uh... well...
Dick: (cutting in, not actually waiting for an answer) It's when your body can't control its sugar.
Dick: And if it gets too much sugar because it can't control it, it's got to go somewhere.
Dick: (again indicates his substantial girth)
Dick: I wasn't this big before I got diabetes. So question is, am I diabetic because I'm fat, or am I fat because I'm diabetic?
Dick: I asked my doctor that once, and he said I had a good point.
Dick: Well?
Dick: Sort of a chicken and the egg sort of thing.
Dick: Except, if you ask me which came first, I guess I'd have to say the egg.
Dick: I thought for a second that the wooden block sticking out from that painting was a thermostat.
Dick: You'd think in a place like this they'd go with a single split.
Dick: (actually pauses)
Gordon: What? (immediately worrying that inviting an explanation might not have been such a good idea)
Dick: A single split. Heat pump and air conditioner all in one unit. Why would you have the AC and the heater separate?
Dick: And whose idea was it to put the thermostat right above the heater?
Dick: The installation instructions probably said to make sure to install on the wall on the opposite side of the room.
Dick: Probably another failure to "RTFM."
Dick: Do you know what that stands for?
Dick: (luckily not waiting for an answer)
Dick: Read. The. Freaking. Manual.
Dick: Or there's another word I could use, but not in polite company.

I had to talk to Dick on the phone several times to set up the appointment, and I was glad I didn't have to be there when he came. But I was also glad Gordon was there, so I could hear about this hilarious conversation. Way to take one for the team, Gordon.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Home Away from Home

When I graduated college and told people I was moving to Auburn, a lot of people looked confused and said, “So, you’re moving home?” No, I explained…AuBURN, not AuBERRY. Keep it straight.

But when I first moved here, I did see that the two towns really are similar, in more than name. Auburn has the same foothill landscapes covered with oak trees and cottonwoods, popcorn flowers and poppies, manzanita and miner’s lettuce (they eat it here too). Even the stickers and weeds are the same. It’s close to the snowline and pine forests and the high sierra mountains. The main sources of recreation during the winter months are the ski resorts, and the nearby lakes and rivers are the hotspots during summer. People drive around in beat-up pickups and have woodstoves and horses and go frog hunting.

I’ve discovered more similarities the longer I’ve lived here. I was surprised to find that the first three digits of most of the local landlines are 885. I kept messing up dialing people because I would automatically dial 855. The area code is 95602, which is just one digit off 93602. The more I drive around, the more things I see that remind me of home. There’s a Pizza Factory and a Sierra Elementary and a Sierra College. When I first passed the sign for Table Meadow, I thought said Table Mountain. I’ve passed Dry Creek Rd, Oakhurst Dr, Shaver Rd, Awahnee Way, Pine Ridge Ln, and Millertown Rd. There’s even a Blue Heron Ct.

Auburn and Auberry do have a lot of differences, obviously. And you could probably find similarities like these between any two towns if you tried hard enough...but it is weird to live in a town that looks like, feels like, and is named like the town you grew up in.

That's all. Also, I drove past this the other day:

Friday, June 10, 2011

Top 5 Ways I knew I was at Girls Camp in Georgia

1. Of the 40+ young Mormon girls in attendance, only 5 of them were white.
2. When I asked one of the girls, "Have you ever slept in a tent before?" she responded, "I've never been out of Atlanta before."
3. On our 'hike', my hat got blown off by a semi driving past us at 50 mph.
4. Someone went to Walmart for supplies 2 of the 3 days I was there.
5. No one knew how to find any constellations until somebody found an app for it on their iPhone.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Memorial Day

We had a good Memorial Day, which started with a trip down the Chattahoochee River. Last time we rented an actual boat, but this time we decided just to buy our own floating things. In a fit of optimism, I decided that Theo and I should float down the river on this:

We were only a few minutes into the trip when I found myself lolling off the side, trying to keep Theo aboard, him trying to haul himself up by the ties of my swimsuit, my bum up in the air, the 'ship' buckling in half, surrounded by amused strangers who are floating past on their decorous black innertubes.

Me, yelling over to Chris: "I have no dignity!"

Chris, nodding serenley from his decorous black tube: "I've known for awhile."

That evening we went over to some friends' house for a shrimp boil. We weren't really sure what that meant, but hey, it's got to be better than feeding yourself, right?

Shortly after we got there, they brought out a ginormous pot of water, threw in a bunch of stuff and started boiling it over a propane burner. Then two men lugged it over to the table, drained off the water and dumped the contents of the pot in the middle of the table. Everyone gathered around, picking stuff out of the pile and eating it with our fingers like crazy. Let me tell you, it was amazingly good.

Next time we all get together, let's have a shrimp boil. As long as we don't kill off Tim, that is.

An Apology

Dear Mother,

I would like to formally apologize to you for rolling my eyes, dragging my feet, and whining about how you wanted to clean house and get lots of work done before we left on trips.

I see now.


A Mother Freaking Out Before a Trip