As you guys know, I’m pretty dependent on family. I can’t make the smallest of decisions without consulting a quorum of sisters. Vivian and Carrie had to find me a job. I recently had Claire and Gordon chauffer me to and from my wisdom teeth surgery and essentially spoon-feed me for the weekend after. But I can be almost obstinately self-reliant before asking anyone other than family for help. I often find myself in situations where I have every right to ask for help, yet I refuse to even acknowledge to someone else that I have a problem. Recently I’ve found myself in two of these situations.
Example #1
A while ago I locked my keys in my car after a sleepover, which I realized as we were all leaving the house the morning after. I would have been happy if no one noticed my predicament, but it was inevitable someone saw me standing conspicuously outside my car and offered to give me a ride home to try and get my spare keys (locked in my apartment) then bring me back. I balked at the offer, but try as I might I couldn’t come up with another plan. So I loaded myself into her car and she started driving me home.
But as we drove towards my house, I planned how to get my car back without involving anyone else. First of all, how could I get get inside my apartment? A) I could ask my landlady to open the door for me. I quickly crossed that off my list. B) find the fix it guy and have him open it for me. Also crossed off. Then I remembered one of my windows might be open slightly! It wasn’t a very big window, and would be very awkward getting in, but that would be the plan for getting in the apartment. Now, how to persuade my nice friend that I didn’t need a ride back to my car once I got my keys? Ooh, I can ride my bike back! With that plan, I convinced my friend she could leave me. I shimmied my way through the window and got my spare keys, but found that my bike tires were flat. Hmm. Options. A) call my friend and have her come back. Nope. B) call my branch president and have him come pick me up. Eh. C) call any number of people who live close by that would be totally willing to help. Nah. OR… D) I could RUN all the way back.
Guess which I picked? Five miles later, I successfully had my car unlocked and was driving back home.
Example #2
The Stake Relief Society president invited me to her house to watch conference. You can’t say no to that, so even when I woke up feeling crummy I still got myself up and over to her house. I even ate some of her homemade pastry rather than let on that my stomach wasn’t doing so well…but I finally had to tell her when she tried to make me eat enchiladas for lunch. At this point she got very concerned – “Can I get you some 7Up? How about some crackers? Toast? Go lay down on the couch! Do you need to go home?” No, no, I’m ok, no I can stay, it’s not that bad, ok fine I’ll take some water. I made it through four hours of conference and the two intermediate hours, all the while hiding how uncomfortable I was.
But as soon as the second session ended, I started feeling REALLY nauseous. I didn’t let on to my host how sick I felt, but she was still very kind and offered to give me crackers and soda to take home, and told me to call her if I needed anything. I assured her I was fine, and that I would call her…all the while thinking to myself that it was very unlikely I would make her run to the pharmacy for me and that I needed to leave as soon as possible before throwing up in her foyer.
As soon as the door closed behind me I knew there was no way I could wait until I was off of their property before throwing up, but their driveway was hardly any better than their foyer. The thought ran through my head that the kind Relief Society president wouldn’t mind if I went back inside and asked to use her bathroom. Instead, I sat down on the pavement in between two cars, slowly emptied out a plastic bag I was carrying…
And I don’t need to go into more detail here. I tied up the plastic bag and put it in a handy garbage bin nearby, then walked carefully to my car and drove myself home, where I collapsed for the evening. Later I dragged myself to the pharmacy (of course I wasn’t going to ask anyone to go for me) where I bought some saltines and club soda and medicine.
In both cases, I would probably do the same thing again. But is it wrong to be so unwilling to admit that you need help, or that you even have a problem at all? I’m interested in your thoughts on self-reliance. When do you throw in the towel and ask for help?
I think I have the opposite problem. When we left from Davis one of my good friends wrote me a nice note where she said 'you have shown me how to ask for help.' It seems like I'm always thinking of ways other people can help me out. I don't like it about myself. So...I don't know.
ReplyDeleteI assume based on these stories that you're asking your sisters for help?
ReplyDeletei am just glad to be on the list! i think self reliance is fine as long as that is really what you want. if you are honest with yourself and you find that you really DO wish that someone would just magically know and help, or (like some i know) are sad that people don't help you more,you need to speak up. but if being a silent martyr makes you feel more in control, knock yourself out.
ReplyDeleteThis brings back a vivid memory of my college days. After a long and fun night, it was 2 AM and time to go. I had taken the bus to the house on the West Side and the buses in Santa Barbara had obviously stopped running. Viv offered me a ride home, but I refused. She tried again to drive me home and I ended up hiding in the bushes around the corner until she gave up and left. Then I walked home alone.
ReplyDeleteBut then I consider how many times I called her in need once we were both living in Student Housing and I needed a spare diaper or someone to watch Stellan for a half hour so I could get to work on time before Kevin came home.
So I guess I went from almost pathologically independent to leech once I had someone else's life in my hands. I'd say you're safe being self reliant for now.
P.S. Sorry I was such a jerk, Vivian. I should have taken the ride home.
ReplyDeleteWow Krissie. That story blows mine out of the water.
ReplyDeleteRachel and Krissie,
ReplyDeleteI've always thought of this tendency of yours (yes, both of you) as being extremely *nice*. Not stubbornly self-reliant or proud. Its more like, you'd do anything and everything in order to not inconvenience someone. You love being the help-er so much that you avoid having to be the help-ee at all costs.
And in regards to Carrie's comment, Krissie is actually the one who taught me how to offer help. Instead of saying "is there anything I can do for you?" I try to say, "What can I do for you?" followed by a list of things I'd be willing to do. I learned this from Krissie.
My goodness just ask for help already it's easy.
ReplyDelete