Angry Tortillas From Outer Space

It was a beautiful day in San Diego. Hugo lay on his back, floating aimlessly in the pool. He could feel the warm sun on his wet skin. His ears were just under the surface of the water, so the world was quiet and peaceful. “I wish I had an otter pop,” he thought. Even though his eyes were closed, he could sense when a shadow fell across the sun. “What’s that?” he wondered, opening one eye to squint up at the sky. “A cloud? In San Diego?”

Wait, what WAS that? Hugo stood up in the pool and rubbed the water out of his eyes. Directly above him in the sky was a collection of floating circles. If those were clouds they were super weird…

As he watched, the tightly bunched circles spread out and zig zagged around the sky. Each one of them was about 6 ft wide, and when they spread out he could see that there were several hundred of them. Hugo’s Spidey Sense began to tingle. Something strange was going on...He reached for the walkie talkie that he and Gwen always kept close by in case of emergencies. “Breaker breaker Nenny Penny, “ he called, using her code name. “I think we have an emergency.”

Gwen was lying on her bed admiring her crystal chandelier. When she heard the walkie talkie alert she immediately executed a side roll and activated a hidden button under the bed, at the same time as she reached for the walkie talkie. “I gotcha, brother,” she said. “Emergency plan activated.”

The emergency button activated the annoying robot neighbor who lived next door. He immediately rang the doorbell and forced Vivian and Jerry into a long conversation in the driveway. With her parents safely out of the way, Gwen raced down the stairs, meeting a dripping Hugo at the computer. As she typed in the password to access the computer, Gwen rolled her eyes at Hugo. “It’s amazing that our parents still think we don’t know the computer password is ‘JerrBear123,’ she chuckled. Hugo laughed, but seemed distracted and kept looking out of the window. 

“By the way, what’s up?” she asked, as she activated a call to the Rees house. Hugo shook his head.as he reached for his lightsaber. “I”m not completely sure…” he said, as the lightsaber zinged to life…”but it looked like Angry Tortillas from Outer Space.”

Once they knew that Hal and Mae were on their way, Gwen and Hugo raced to the window. The menacing shapes were still there, hovering several hundred feet up in the air. They were vaguely circular, cream colored, and if you squinted just right you could see mottled brown patches on their surfaces. “They DO look like giant tortillas,” said Gwen. “What do you think they want? And what is that one doing?” She pointed. Sure enough, a smallish one at the back of the formation was behaving oddly. When the rest of the Tortillas swooped left, this one went right, hovered a bit, and then raced to catch up with the others. When the Tortillas all bunched in close together, this one circled around the edge, at first trying to nudge his way in, but then drifting off to hover over a tree. 

“Is it just me, or does that tortilla look like it’s trying to smell that pinecone?” said Gwen.

“That tortilla is flapjack nuts,” replied Hugo.

They watched as the crazy tortilla reached out, wrapped a bit of itself around the pinecone and gave a gentle tug. However, instead of the pinecone coming loose, an entire branch broke free and crashed to the ground, entangling the giant tortilla with it as it fell. The squadron of flying tortillas swooped away behind a hill, seemingly unaware of their fallen comrade. Gwen and Hugo exchanged looks. “Let’s go,” they said in unison.

Just then there was a screech of tires in the front entryway, as Mae drove a tiny car through the front door and slid to a halt. Hal looked up at Gwen and Hugo from his spot behind the driver’s seat. His eyes were huge and his fingers were white from clutching his hat to his head. “She’s been totally out of control ever since she learned to drive at Legoland,” he said. “But we did make record time. We must have been going 200,000,000 miles per hour!” Mae just looked at them with a wild gleam in her eye. “Well yes,” she said, “But I would like to experience 300,000,000.”

Gwen took charge immediately. “Get that car hidden and meet us in the backyard. We’ve got a rogue tortilla to question.”

Soon the four of them were crouched behind the backyard wall, staring up the hill into the trees. Hugo held his lightsaber at the ready. They could just see the tortilla thrashing underneath the branch. “He doesn’t look tooo tough,” said Hal. “Kind of fuzzy-looking, actually.”

“Hugo, you distract him,” directed Gwen. “The rest of us will sneak around and surprise him from behind.”

Hugo did a front flip over the wall, keeping the lightsaber poised out to the side. He then cartwheeled with one hand over a fallen log, spun in the air, did a figure-8 swoop with the lightsaber and landed, crouched next to where the tortilla lay struggling. Immediately the tortilla stopped wiggling and looked at Hugo. “Ay, carumba!” it squeaked. “That WAS impressive!”

Hugo looked down at it warily, both hands on the lightsaber, Samurai style. “If I let you up from there, are you going to attack me?” he asked. “Oh, goodness, No!” said the tortilla. “I’m a hugger, not a fighter.”

As Gwen, Mae, and Hal stepped out from behind the bushes, Hugo reached down and flipped the heavy branch off of the tortilla, who immediately nuzzled up next to Hugo. “My name is Larry,” he said, “and I’m the kind of tortilla who likes to snuggle.” Everyone relaxed their fighter stances. “Well it’s good to know you guys aren’t dangerous,” said Gwen. 

“Oh, I’m not dangerous,” replied Larry, nodding towards the flying tortilla swarm, “But those guys are trying to kill you.”

In no time, Larry had filled them in on the evil plan of the Tortillas from Outer Space, which was, of course, to take over the world. Hal was suspicious. “Why don’t you want to take over the world too?” he asked.

“Oh, it just seems like so much work,” said Larry. “Do you guys know anywhere that I could take a nap?”

After they pointed Larry towards the couch, the four cousins had a huddle. Larry had told them that the tortillas planned to block out the sun, slowly but surely killing all of the plants on Earth. As they watched, the flying tortilla swarm zeroed on the passionfruit vine in the backyard, gathering themselves until they hovered directly over the plant. Hundreds of times denser than clouds, they completely blocked the sun’s rays. The kids could see the passionfruit vine slowly begin to shrivel up.

“Looks like we’re going to have to stop them the hard way,” said Gwen. “Mae, do your thing.”

Mae climbed on top of the wall and held her hands to the sky. Immediately the sound of thundering hooves could be heard, and seconds later a herd of unicorns raced into the sky above their heads, followed by streams of rainbows. One of the unicorns dipped lower than the rest of the herd. Mae took a running leap off of the wall and somersaulted onto the unicorn’s back as he swooped up to rejoin the others. Seemingly from nowhere a wand with a star on the end appeared in Mae’s hand. She pointed it at the passionfruit vine. “Go, go, Rainbow,” she ordered. The rainbows streaked across the sky and dove for the passionfruit plant. As their rays of light hit the leaves, the plant seemed to shiver with delight and immediately looked stronger. Meanwhile Mae and the unicorns were racing towards the thick blanket of flying tortillas. Swooping her wand back and forth she scattered the formation, sending tortillas flying off to each side where her unicorns were waiting to poke holes in them with their horns. “We’re not making a canoe out of you,” joked Mae.

While Mae and the Unicorns caused chaos in the clouds, Hal pulled his guitar out from where he always carried it slung across his back. As he struck a chord, several tortillas who had been about to sneak up on Mae from behind paused and turned back toward Hal, seemingly confused by the wall of sound. Hal quickly began to play the theme song to the Andy Griffith show. The cluster of tortillas looked caught up in the rhythm, jerking their flat bodies around in time to the music. Hal winked at Hugo. “I taught myself, you know,” he said. Hugo, generally serious during a fight, didn’t respond, but instead threw his lightsaber at the dancing tortillas. It flew end over end, rapidly slicing four of them each into 6 equal sized triangles, which fell out of the sky. Just as the saber’s momentum slowed, Hugo moved faster than the eye could follow, catching his weapon again just before it hit the ground. “Quesadilla time,” he said, with satisfaction.

“Quesadilla time?” laughed Gwen, appearing from inside the house where she had briefly disappeared. “That’s a terrible catchphrase, but I like what you’re thinking little brother.” With that she threw an entire pound of butter down on the hot concrete. It melted immediately and started to sizzle. Hal stopped playing his guitar and instead swung it at the closest invader, using it like a tennis racket and catching the tortilla right around the middle, slingshot-ing it down into the hot butter. The tortilla fried up immediately and Hugo quickly dispatched it into little triangles like the others. “Can you smell what the master chef Gwen is cooking?” crowed Gwen, as she gave Hugo and Hal a hug. 

Mae noticed them from up above as she raced her unicorn army across the sky. “Sorry, no time to snuggle!” she called down, skewering yet another angry tortilla with her star wand. “But snuggling is one of my superpowers,” called Gwen. “Let me show you how it’s done!” With a leap she was onto the trampoline and bounced high into the sky where she scooped a flying tortilla into each arm and snuggled them close to her chest. The tortillas seemed just as susceptible to snuggling as they were to danceable music, and they went limp immediately. Gwen promptly dropped them in the pool. 

In no time at all the tortilla army was completely disbanded and the Tortilla General asked for a conference with the four cousins. They met in the treehouse, with the unicorn army and a giant rainbow hovering overhead. Mae watched from the high branches of the tree where her unicorn had placed her. Gwen held a spatula in a menacing fashion. Hal played the opening notes to “A Final Countdown” on the guitar, and Hugo stepped forward, his lightsaber glowing green in his hand. “How come I feel like we’re doing all the work here?” he asked, holding the tip of the lightsaber under where he imagined the tortilla’s chin might be. “Tell us your plan to surrender.”

The chief tortilla bowed his edge slightly. “My name is Master Chen,” he said, “And I did not expect to meet such powerful resistance here on this planet. We will leave, but to keep our honor, we will take you with us, Young Warrior.” With this, he gestured towards Hugo. Gwen gasped. Hugo held up his hand to silence her, and took a step towards the looming flatbread. “NO.” He said, drawing out every word. “If you did that, my mom would Kill. You. Dead.”

Then he gestured towards Hal. “Tell him the plan, Hal.”

Hal stepped up. “Mercury is the smallest planet in the Solar System and the closest to the Sun. It’s orbit takes 87.9 Earth days, and its orbital eccentricity is the largest of all known planets in the Solar System. Mercury’s surface is heavily cratered, indicating that it has been geologically inactive for billions of years. Its surface temperatures vary diurnally more than any other planet in the system, ranging..”

“Hal, you’re not making a bit of sense,” said Gwen. “Skip ahead a bit.”

“We think you should go to Mercury,” said Hal. “I would challenge you to a guitar duel, but you would lose. Do you know why?”

“No.” said Master Chen.

“Because you don’t have any hands,” said Hal.

“Lose, lose, lose,” said Mae, from up on her perch.

As the tortillas left to Mercury the sun glinted off the heroic figures. Earth was safe once more. 

"I want a weird peanut butter sandwich with gooey mayonnaise and beady-eyed pickles!" Hal yelled randomly.

"I don't know about you guys but I am ready for a nap." Gwen said yawning.

"Let's go snuggle with Larry." Hugo suggested.

As the hero's went inside, they met Vivian coming in from the driveway. "What have you guys been up to?" she asked. "And where did we get this new blanket?"