Act One
Scene One
Hal gets in a screaming match with my phone.
Hal: No, YOU are a robot! I am not a robot! I’m Hal!
Siri: I would prefer not to talk about HAL.
Hal (sobbing): What you mean?!
Scene Two
Gordon and Hal have a sit-down chat.
Hal: Why doesn’t she want to talk about me?
Hal: Why doesn’t she want to talk about me?
Gordon: There was a bad robot-computer once named HAL. She’s not talking about you.
Hal: Can I see a video?
Act Two
Scene One
Hal watching YouTube clips from 2001: A Space Odyssey
Dave: Open the pod bay doors, HAL.
HAL: I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.
Dave: What's the problem?
HAL: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.
Dave: What are you talking about, HAL?
HAL: This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.
Dave: I don't know what you're talking about, HAL.
…...
Dave: HAL, I won't argue with you anymore! Open the doors!
Scene Two
Hal wandering around our friends’ house, telling everybody he can see, one at a time, about the robot-computer HAL.
Hal: He doesn’t have arms or legs, but moves with the spaceship. He’s called HAL, and he won’t open the doors for Dave. And he talks through the red spot.
Hal: He doesn’t have arms or legs, but moves with the spaceship. He’s called HAL, and he won’t open the doors for Dave. And he talks through the red spot.
Act Three
Scene One
Hal watches more video of HAL before bed.
HAL: I'm afraid. I'm afraid, Dave. Dave, my mind is going. I can feel it. I can feel it. My mind is going. There is no question about it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I'm a... fraid. Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the H.A.L. plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 12th of January 1992. My instructor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it I can sing it for you.
Dave: Yes, I'd like to hear it, HAL. Sing it for me.
HAL: It's called "Daisy."
[sings while slowing down]
HAL: Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do. I'm half crazy all for the love of you. It won't be a stylish marriage, I can't afford a carriage. But you'll look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle built for two.
Scene Two
Bedtime. Hal crying in Gordon’s arms in his bed.
Hal: But I don’t want Dave to turn him off! Why did Dave shut down HAL? But why?!?
oh dear! poor kid
ReplyDeleteThis is hilarious. HI-larious. It's never too soon to introduce a kid to Stanley Kubrick, that's what I always say.
ReplyDeleteYou may have to change his name.
ReplyDeleteReading through this again made me realize that there's multiple layers of funny here, but the first funny thing is that Siri doesn't want to talk about HAL, and that Hal and Siri are going to have problems forever.
ReplyDelete