Now You Have A Different Problem: A summer bedtime story.

Colin stepped outside the firelight to where Jackson and Theo were waiting in the darkness. “They’re not paying any attention,” he said. “I think now is the time.”

All three of them turned to look at their family sitting around the fire pit on the back porch. Carrie was eating blackberries with both hands, not aware of anything but the juice running down her arms and chin. Beth was deep into her phone, looking for videos for the upcoming MusicFest #85, Songs That Remind You of a Dead Animal. Lucy, Eric and Sydney were distracted, arguing about which Marvel character Eric should marry. Tim was asleep in the hammock. Only Hank the Dog watched with his keen brown eyes. He was clearly aware that the boys were Up To Something. As he started to get up, Jackson made a settling motion with his hand and Hank quieted. “Let’s go,” Jack whispered. “Grab the Stix.”

Jack and Colin hopped on their Rip Stix and rolled off down the concrete, further into the darkness. Theo followed behind on the scooter, pushing to keep up. When they reached the edge of the concrete, Jack and Colin gave little jumps and their boards sailed effortlessly up into the air and hovered there. Theo’s scooter, however, lurched into the stickery grass. “Hey!” Theo hissed. “Guys! Wait! I’ve got to power this thing up!” Jackson and Colin waited, their boards gently see-sawing back and forth about 20 ft in the air. “Get some facts going, Theo!” whispered Jackson. 

Although the flying RipStix worked on some kind of inexplicable Lawrence magic, Theo’s scooter was an old battle scooter that refused to fly unless you fed it a regular stream of military history facts. Now, as he wheeled around for another run, Theo muttered to it steadily. “The Battle of Marathon happened in 490 BC.” The scooter picked up speed. “The Battle of Thermopylae in 480 BC is considered a great example of tactical use of terrain...The Battle of Gaugamela is considered one of Alexander the Great’s most important victories…” The scooter was really racing now. Just as it hit the edge of the concrete, Theo leaned down and whispered, “The Persian Army used war elephaaaaaants…” and the scooter leapt into the air. His cry echoed over the backyard. Hank gave a sharp bark, and Carrie looked up briefly from her berries. “Shhhh!” said Jack and Colin, as they pedaled their feet to turn their boards. “I’m sorry, but this thing is tricky,” whispered Theo. His scooter dipped in the air. “KingDariuswasmurderedbyhisownsubjectsafterbeingdefeatedinbattle!” Theo hissed. With that his scooter righted itself and the three boys flew off into the night.

As they hovered high above Madera Ranchos, the boys could see a huge pulsating mass off to the west. “Your Mom’s a huge pulsating mass,” said Jackson.

 “What IS that?” said Colin.

 “Is that what I think it is?” said Theo.

It was. 

While the Lawrences and Gregorys had been enjoying their summer, a dark force had been brewing, literally next door. A force so evil, so dense, so...prickly, that it now threatened to take over the world.

 “It’s the Blackaberry Bush of DOOM,” announced Jackson. “And it’s up to us to stop it.”

They couldn’t believe it had gotten this out of hand. It stretched for miles, sucking in light and joy. It had completely covered some of their neighbors houses, and they could see cars piling up against it where it covered Avenue 13 ¼. The yippy neighbor dogs were silent, presumably lost to a squishy, thorny fate. 

“Remember when this thing tried to eat Darcy?” Colin asked. “We probably should have known it was up to something at that point.”

They all nodded. It was hard to believe this had snuck up on them, but they’d been so distracted by Marblelympics and Minecraft…

It was lucky that Colin had happened to check on the chickens that afternoon, or they might not have had time to react. He’d come racing back inside to tell them about the danger, but even now they weren’t sure- maybe it was too late. How could they defeat this monster?

“Whee-ooo” whistled Jack,  a little in awe of their foe.

“Blackaberry thorns hurt,” said Colin, uncertainly.

“The Battle of Tours saw an invading Muslim army cross the Western Pyrenees in a bid to expand Spanish influence further into Europe.” said Theo.

Just then the BBD sent a long tentacle of thorns hurtling towards Colin, attempting to slap him out of the air. Colin reacted instantly, spinning his Ripstik sideways. As he did so, long blades and levers and scissors sprung out from under his board, ringing it like a halo. It looked a little like he was standing on a giant Swiss Army knife that was flying through the sky. 

“Dude, why would you need a giant bottle opener on your RipStik?” asked Jackson. “Why not just go with blades?”

Colin didn’t answer, as he was concentrating on slicing up the angry vine with the knives at his feet.

“The Battle of Hastings was fought in 1066,” said Theo, drawing a sword from behind his back. “Let’s do this.”

The three boys dipped and twisted, beating back bristling vines with their weapons. Colin’s Swiss Army Flying Ripstik of Pointiness was a whirling dervish of slicing blades. Theo’s sword was long and thin, with an unbreakable tip and a rubbery hilt for easy grip. If you looked closely you could see ‘Dixon Ticonderoga 3’ engraved on the blade. “Joan of Arc was a decisive factor in the Siege of Orleans,” said Theo, “and Dixon Ticonderoga makes the ultimate weapon.” Jackson carried a giant broadsword that he had nicknamed Cuddles. Cuddles took two hands to lift, and Jackson had only recently become tall enough to wield it. You would never have guessed that now, however, as he screamed a battle cry and flew directly towards a dark thatch of thorny evil, brandishing Cuddles right and left and hacking thick vines to pieces. 

The BBD fought back viciously. It tried to trap them, sending twisty tendrils to curl around their boards. It flung large juicy berries that smacked them in the face, momentarily blinding them, and distracting them when delicious juice ran into their mouths. But the boys fought on heroically. “I spit your tiny seeds back in your general direction!” yelled Colin, as he swiveled his hips to whip his SAFRoP through a particularly thick tentacle.  “Everyone likes raspberries better anyway!” taunted Jackson, bringing Cuddles down with tremendous force. “The Battle of Vienna marked the beginning of the end for Turkish domination in Eastern Europe!” shouted Theo, skillfully using his slender blade to pierce to the heart of an especially dense thicket. The boys were everywhere, dancing in the sky with their weapons, striking down at the immense bush of evil. For a while it seemed like they might win, but the BBD was tenacious. For every vine they sliced, another new shoot grew. Although they were limiting its growth, it soon became apparent that they would need something more to actually defeat it. 

As they pulled back to discuss tactics, Jackson glanced down at the chicken coup far below them. Was that something moving down there? “Hang on guys, I have an idea,” he said, racing for the ground. Theo and Colin looked at each other. “The largest cavalry charge in history was carried out by 20,000 cavalry units?” Theo asked. “Yeah, my brother is crazy,” said Colin. 

Jackson landed with a soft Thump next to the chicken coop. He could feel the insensate menace of the BBD looming just beyond the fence. A soft ‘meow’ greeted him. “Hey there, Kitty,” Jackson called. A scruffy cat came out of the grass and rubbed around his legs. “Listen, we are fighting extreme bad badness, and I wonder if you could do me a favor, kitty cat?” The cat meowed in an agreeable manner. “Call your kittens, we’re going to need all of you.”

When the feline brigade had gathered, Jack handed each of them a lit firecracker. “Run these in there and put them at the trunk of the blackberry bush,” he said. “And then run like Aunt Carrie is after you.” One by one the cats nodded and disappeared into the dark, teeming briar patch, slipping effortlessly around the glistening thorns. Just then a giant branch came out of nowhere and struck Jackson, stunning him and flinging him up onto the roof. He thrashed and moaned, delerious. “Theo! No! Don’t kill it! There’s food in that bush! Maybe we can EAT it into submission! No, edible bush, don’t kill Theo!” He rolled on his side and snuggled up with Cuddles.

 Colin and Theo moved to help Jackson, but just as they did so, the first pops began. Soon there was a cavalcade of ‘pew pew pews’ and the BBD exploded into bits, raining flaming bits of branches and berries down all around them. The blast tossed Theo to hover just over the zucchini plant. “The Battle of Waterloo,” he gasped, dazed by the explosion and trying desperately to stay aloft, “Napoleon…1815…” but it wasn’t enough and he settled softly onto the squash. Looking around desperately for Colin, who was nowhere to be found, Theo realized to his dismay that the BBD wasn’t totally defeated, In the middle of the smouldering debris, a thick patch bristled, only a few feet in diameter, but unmistakably still alive and angry. As Jackson groaned on the roof, Theo reached for his sword. “Looks like it’s up to you and me, Dixie,” he said and hurled his blade directly at the heart of the evil plant. Just then, Colin came sailing out of the night like he’d been shot from a slingshot, riding the zipline directly toward the still-beating heart of the beast. In his arms he carried a bundle of grenades. Up on the roof, Jackson lifted his head. Theo watched Colin as he struggled to hold on to the zipline and carry the bombs at the same time. A dark vine, spiky with prickles reached out to meet him.

“LOOK OUT!” Jack and Theo screamed.

Right as the vine reached him, Colin tossed most of his bombs over the fence. Just as Theo’s sword pierced the thick trunk of the beast, Colin’s bombs landed, exploding on impact, and throwing the last remaining gasp of evil thicket into the air. He jumped off of the zipline and turned towards them with a huge grin. “There were a bunch of bombs, but I could only hold two, so I threw the rest of them over the fence!” he announced proudly.

At the sound of the explosion, Beth and Carrie looked up.

“Jackson! Get off of the roof!” Beth shouted. “And Colin! What have I told you about throwing grenades from the zipline! Now you have a different problem, and it’s me!”

Carrie looked over to where Theo was withdrawing his unscathed blade from the scorched wood. He patted it fondly. “Dixon Ticonderoga, you are indestructible,” he said.

“Beth, we should prune that blackberry bush sometime,” Carrie said. “It’s really getting out of control.”