Lucy and soccer has lately given me many opportunities to reflect. For example, why do I force her to play soccer, and then get frustrated when she acts exactly how I knew she would? Or, why does it bother me when she doesn't even know if her team won or not?
I also have recently been reading a book that Viv recommended called "Too Much Of A Good Thing", about not over-indulging your children. Sometimes I worry because
a) Lucy is 6 and still sleeps with us every night
b) We took our kids on a cruise
c) Lucy's favorite food is sushi
d) Lucy has almost no concept of the value of money
and I think perhaps the kid needs parents who are more willing to draw the line and refuse to buy Capri-Suns, if you know what I mean. Parents who would refuse to buy their kids a ride at the fair and just make them be grateful for that soggy piece of bread they found in their pocket on the drive home instead. Parents who won't buy beverages at the restaurant (because we have beverages at home), and who don't care if your sandwich is round when everyone else's at school is square. Parents like that. And somehow I have the suspicion that if Lucy had to buy her own candy or sleep in her own bed that she might begin to be weighed down a bit with the worries of the world and she'd get her head out of the clouds and stop flitting about the field and KICK THE DAMN BALL that's rolling right there, right past your feet, just look at it for pete's sake, that's all I ask, please look down at it just once...
So last Tuesday, when we were driving to Lucy's soccer game and she asked "where are we going?" and I said "soccer game" and she burst into tears, I was prepped well and good to force the issue. I had the speech all ready, about making a commitment to a team and sticking with it, about doing hard things, about exercise and discipline and about how we went and got Chris early from work for this and we are not going to turn the whole family around just because she's crying a little bit...but before I could launch into my lecture, I had to ask, "why are you crying?" And here's what she said:
"I'm crying because my best friend Antonio (tell me a story-o) is on the team that we're playing today. His team hasn't won a single game all year, and our team is a lot better than theirs (this is true, in fact), and I don't want to be on the team when it beats them and makes them sad. Can't we please just go home?"
Dang. Dang. WWBD? What would YOU do? Would you indulge this child?
maybe make her go but rig the game have Lucy help the other team win
ReplyDeleteI like the way that GraMona thinks. And imagine if she scored on her own team while secretly helping Antonio, that would be a story for the ages.
ReplyDeleteI often say to Viv that it is a good thing that you are Lucy's parents (and not me) because I don't have the mental capacity for her deeper thinking.
But my initial thought was you should explain how Antonio will like her better the more she scores goals, because guys like girls with skills. (and maybe they could be on the same team in the future where Lucy can impress him with said skills).
The real answer to your question in a perfect and mature world would be that sports should be a healthy form of interaction where people don't take it personally when they win or lose, they just enjoy playing the game. Sports really should be like playing a board game or card game (but with some exercise mixed in). And when everyone is mature enough (and apparently Lucy is a bit precocious so maybe she can get it) even sports like basketball can be played that way. But sadly there are many adults that still would rather treat sports like war then like a game, so this doesn't actually fix anything if Antonio doesn't understand it is a game.
My only other idea is to try and reinforce the friendship and not the different sides, since Lucy doesn't even remember if she won or lost. Ask Lucy if she has any ideas about how to make him feel better this game (since he apparently has to face losing a lot). You know, pregame and postgame hugs (Like Lebron and D-Wade), focus on how she gets to see Antonio today because they're both going to soccer, have her bring a gift or snack for him, let them hang out afterward until they forget they were against each other etc. But for me personally, crying doesn't seem like a good reaction. Maybe it is normal for a 6 year old, but I think she can eventually move away from that.
i can't exactly know what i would have done in this delicate situation, b/c my children have no quams about squashing people!
ReplyDeletecompassion is a major plot twist...
thank you, the jerry for your thoughtful response. I think your suggested goal of 'move away from the crying' is a good one, and we'll continue to work on that. my thoughts:
ReplyDeleteif Lucy had any skills to show off, I could have plausibly used your argument in paragraph #3. As it is, she'd know I was lying.
I think the suggestion of helping Antonio is the most valid one, though I'm not sure what to suggest...stare at the sky on his side of the field? I actually don't think Antonio would take it personally at all. And if it was just that she didn't want to play against him because he MIGHT lose, it would be one thing, but this was going to be a very unsportsmanlike pummeling (the final score was 10-0), and she didn't want to be on the side of the bullies. In the end I decided I was fine with that. I'd actually been dreading the game all week for the exact same reason.
Anyway, we play them again next week....maybe I can implement 'plan hug'.